"Relative"

What is the name for the feeling you have, when your halfway between disappointed and depressed...... this in between - like most 'in between' things in life remains seemingly nameless and suffering identity crisis......... i'm not that emotionally stricken as to say that 'I' am depressed..... or destroyed....... or unable to cope......... but at the same time...... its more than an obstacle in your path........ more than a stone you've tripped over....... its more than how you feel when you say "aahh its ok"..........
                                                                                 I guess this is where the term 'relative' came in....... to rescue the english language from the ridicule of not being able 2 express it verbally....... but does "relative" really cover the feeling.......... i guess if you say that, does any word express a feeling exactly as it is....... in that case - 'relative' really comes to your rescue....... because maybe no word in english or possibly any other language can actually give you the real feeling.......... only a relative one...........



Image Courtesy - Aihibed Magaña

The Deadliest Sin.....

One of the trickiest and most conniving........ the one thats dressed in the garb of the most harmless...... but in its true potential, threatens to become the most lethal of them all............  The Christian faith defines Sloth as spiritual or moral apathy, neglecting what God has spoken, and being physically and emotionally inactive........... it was considered a Sin as it showed the negligence and failure to use God given gifts or blessings.......... It was associated with the demon - Belphegor who tempted people into a life of languor............. 

                                                                                          On a less religious level of understanding........ you and I can term Sloth as being lazy in an enormously large degree........ Its what keeps us from being an F1 driver..... wildlife biologist.......... documentary film-maker........ and the likes......... its the vice that has entered the being of an unfortunate lot and spreads like a cancer........... Its a curse I do not know why I have been borne with...... Like me, many others wonder what it is like to feel the urge to work......... we wonder what possibly attracts one to toil and sweat........... they are the ones who would assuredly go ahead......... what will be of us..... is anybody's guess.............

Web of Lies

Its so perplexing isn't it........... life and all its mendacity.......... its just like an irresistible game of "Guess What"....... unfortunately most of the time your off the mark!.......... You hardly ever have the good fortune of seeing your dreams or hopes manifest into something physical.......... and when you do its mostly a matter of perception......... but you never know...... its possibly those few fleeting moments..... deceptive as they may be..... that bring in you a rush of life....... a sudden pump of adrenaline that you feel like you could go on and on and on........ I don't really know how it feels like...... I've restricted myself from such 'frivolities'....... but you know at some point it seems that its something you ought to feel......... even if it is pain...........



Image Courtesy - www.amypatacchiola.com

Mutathe Mullakku Manamilla

There has been a long gap, before this post..... the reason for which is that I haven't been around much.... This summer has been particularly eventful and gloriously memorable..... It marks the first ever attempt in my line of vocation..... but also the first time I have ventured above Bombay..... North India - I have heard, seen on television, read about in books but have never ventured into.... the experience has been joyous and enlightening...... there were many things that stood out and many customary actions that were alien to me and I have gone one step closer to understanding..... In the homes of hospitable and friendly strangers and aquaintances there were similarities and differences and it was nice to experience both....... At certain points it was like I've travelled from a far off land altogether...... It was like I adorned the role of Vasco Da Gama or Marco Polo..... there were so many things that drew me closer to their way of life.... the smell in the air, the food they ate, the clothes they wore, the language they spoke were all alluring as if drenched in some intoxicating scent..... An attraction was born quite similar to that of a man towards a woman of bountiful curves..... It was with all these memories and emotions that I returned to a comfortable yet all-too-familiar, home....... Normally these are the experiences that crowd into inumerable books and demystify the reasonsing of the North-South divide and also provide a trove full of anecdotes...... I'm happy and satisfied to keep it in my memory and share this portion to an unknown audience......

                                                                                                          As I go rejoicing in the midst of something so attractively new..... something casually wanders into my head..... a proverb in my mother-tongue, Malayalam..... it goes "Mutathe Mullakku Manamilla"..... literal translation - "The Jasmine in your   own Backyard has no Scent"........... the proverbs essence is that you don't appreciate what you have but you rave about everything else without realising the value of what you have...... it has a universality to it...... more than I can explain...... this proverb is like a reminder to people who tend to forget..... Personally I can say that despite being subject to the choicest delicacies all across the globe I can still never let go of my love for Chorum Sambhar, Meen (red rice and sambhar, fish)...... it helps me understand that even with all the colours that come with autmn and all the pure white snow of winter, my heart will truly tug at the rain drops that transport me home........ there may be a million things to do, enjoy and explore in many lands but I'll still cherish the warm lethargy I feel in my motherland....... and as I write these foreign experiences wrapped up in the cloudy, rain-soaked atmosphere of home...... I can only say that I hope more and more people appreciate such experiences..... but dont forget the Mulla (jasmine) in their own Mutam (backyard).........

Image Courtesy - smilu1984.blogspot.com

"... mysteries of a lifelong quest ..."

As infants, when you enter this world..... this dark, cruel world that is more keen on sinking you into its depth of sin than sacred...... you would have a guiding light - a light that acts as a caregiver, protecter, punisher and mentor until you break away and fly........ its believed that the light is the one that in that span of time has given you the tools for your long flight...... the guiding light can be anything - it could be parents, experiences, friend, a lifelong aquaintance, anything at all............ But what one fails to see is that this light cannot possibly equip you with what you need..... a need to take in the essence of your surrounding and yet the need to retain your individual essence that halts you from merging into it...... a reflex to shun out  all the evils out and about yet an ironic desire to nurse the evils within........ an instinct to protect yourself from emotions that sear you yet ruthlessly succumb to the most painful sear of them all............ for me all of this shall remain mysteries of a lifelong quest - one that may not yield answers but one that gives more of such strange, bewildering and insatiable fragments - that like the rain, drenches but exhilarates........

Clock

tick tick tick...... the first steps you took...... tick tick tick........ tears streaming as you are going to leave your mother for the first day of school....... tick tick tick........ your blowing your candles for your first "Double Digit" birthday cake!.... tick tick tick....... Your 14 - oh so cool - my parents are THE most embarrassing ever - and did i forget to mention I'm Oh So Cool!...... tick tick tick....... Bloody Boards...... tick tick tick....... sari shopping for farewell.......... tick tick tick..... College searching - application giving - incessant praying..... tick tick tick....... First day of college - butterflies!!....... tick tick tick....... Initiation into - Jock, Nerd, Cool, Hot, Don't Give a Fuck etc....... tick tick tick...... Oooh Politics........ tick tick tick....... Hmmm I guess their not that bad....... tick tick tick...... 1st year down....... tick tick tick..... Ughh Juniors!...... tick tick tick...... Oh Man - Thank Heavens "we" are here to rescue the media industry from losers like them!!:D........ tick tick tick.... Hmmmm even they are not that bad....... tick tick tick....... 2nd year down ...... and I'm going home..... with no emotion, it still hasn't struck me....... I really don't know what now...... It seems surreal when you've broken down your life to the ticks of time........

Slave of Thine Own.............

I wonder what it means when you want something so much that, a possibility of 'otherwise' doesn't come anywhere in your head......... Logically speaking you think of "what if", "but", Plan B etc..... but why do these certain things command so, that you can't imagine otherwise....... the farther they go, the closer they draw you....... and a small, positive response in enough to make your day.... to put a smile on your face that would put to shame the brightest of flowers......... Why does this happen....... I wonder what its implications are........ whats worse is when you crave for the most unapproachable and unresponsive of them all........... a presence (if it were possible) that is as comforting as it is distant...... a demeanor as attractive as it is guarded........... these qualities and setbacks drum their way into your head........ leaving you both warm and unsatisfied.......... they say that such feelings and desires are insatiable......... but what if they are never acknowledged, their presence never existed in the eyes of what it was meant for............ is it unfair?...... is it up to the person who has these desires to choose?...... or is it just as much a right for the other to know........... a lot of unrequited emotions were just because of fear of some temporary embarrassment....... is it really worth it?....... Is it really worth not giving it a shot..... even if things go crumbling down at least that becomes the final nail in the coffin of the desire instead of you forever hanging about the grave not knowing whether to jump out or in................ its funny to note what we go through......... its interesting to know whether the future holds this, something better, something worse......... for.....

Que Sera Sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que Sera Sera.....

Scales of ___________?

We are all human..... No matter how much we decide that we will not succumb to the momentary petty happiness that we conjure in our heads..... No matter how much we decide never to expect and thus never be disappointed..... No matter how much we decide that hope is sometimes the most cruel of feelings and better avoided - we still succumb to each of these.......

More than anything - these are the most painful and torturous things that can happen..... Having learnt these lessons pretty early in life..... I fail to see why I cannot make a practice of this..... Is the emotional need of a human being so fundamental as to trump the most ardent desire of the logical and practical side? But as Mouse said "To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"...

But unlike Mouse I'm still not aware of any matrix - At this point I couldn't care less about it (which if the matrix exists, is a job well done!).......... Also another classic argument - you cannot have only happiness or only sorrow - its a mixture of both - it should be balance........ Agreed - But when did the balance scales of sorrow tip down to an extra 45%? Not exactly my definition of Balance....

Inspite of all this - even if we trump all the arguments that embody the emotional side....... we still succumb to it?....... Why?.............. When I don't want to, Why?...... When 'almost' every nerve in my brain reasons that I don't want it........ Why do I still feel it..... Why must I go through this exhausting process.......... Why can't I stay happy not knowing how it felt at all to be disappointed and having something so close - just for a brief moment.... realising what it is to have it, to feel it and have it snatched away from me........ Only to live, until time does its trick, in memory of that something I never had........ In memory of an emotion that never existed..... Why play this cruel trick on someone that has definitely not done something to deserve this...... Why do I become subject to this?...... The freedom of my own thoughts is robbed from me.... The freedom of what to think, what to feel, what not to feel...... I wonder whether unconsciously I draw this upon myself..... My own innate sadistic way of beating myself so low as to never hope and never have these feelings again........ If that were true, it seems that regardless of how low I go, that nagging smidgen of hope still remains...........

DNA or Home Sweet Home?

There are many timeless questions in life....... there even exists many questions which act as variants to the basic ones......... like what trumps the other after all?... Is it Blood or Environment?..

I'm a staunch believer that environment is what makes you..... the people you've been around.... the lifestyle you've lead..... your cultural background.... your comfort affinities that you've developed from the formative ages....... But even so the human body, DNA is a very complex and inherent thing..... and i learnt recently (from an ever complying room-mate who loses no chance to educate me on the matters of science - sometimes against my will and love for sanity) some rudimentary things about the DNA, its patterns and its dominance in factors like intuition, gut feeling etc..... that virtually the environment has no control over..... yes it can be honed and molded to an extent but there is a sharp definite line where its role ends.......... Its like the saying barbarian blood manages to arouse passion in the most stoic souls.........

Another variant to this could be how people change or evolve from their seemingly original and basic state to this "evolved" state..... all this by a mere change of environment/blood (read - hereditary, legacy etc)........ Although i remain a little sceptic about the latter..... my opinion on the former is sound with multiple examples that you have definitely experienced in life........ How many times have we encountered changes in people when they go to a different place, have shifted base, or even just heard about some other place..... much like how different substances kept in foreign environments have notably different reactions......... if a lion was in a jungle it would act different than it would be on M.G Road....... a very basic but point conveying example...... How many times have you seen that annoying cousin after a week trip to the States (possibly they were in an all Indian locality the entire time) come and talk like they were born and raised in Texas....... Very annoying as you know that they couldn't tell the difference between Texas and New York if it was dangling on their face!........ Coming back to the core idea........ This question does not deal with your cousin (an irrelevant prototype)..... It deals with people who've had a paradigm shift in values, the way they look at life-family-work-love-world............. I've often wondered whether THIS change is truly from the heart (blood) or just like a change of surrounding - a change of values to go with the NEW YOU........ I hope it isn't the latter......

Something that is more interesting is people who have "evolved"....... kind of like they were always like this but it never had a chance to come out..... most probably because of the environment..... maybe the previous society wasn't open to it or maybe they just didn't realise it then....... now in a different place with like-minded people that were not there before........ or maybe you just didn't know about it.... stumbled upon it here and find out that its really who you are..... How Common/Uncommon is that?...... I really can't put a finger to it........ possibilities are limitless just like pretenses........

Maya

Life brings itself to a surreal standstill.......... we view questions and answers as one..... where there isn't place for doubts and hesitations and all that exists a smooth motion....... an uninterrupted flow of things that let things be....... no questions like WHY....HOW..... that would break the flow of this endless seam........ where there is no place for philosophies and ideologies..... where there is no place for path-breaking theories and miraculous divinity that settles the eternal argument of science and religion.............

life cannot be more complex neither can it be more simple..... the world as we know it is surrounded by this veil.... a sheer, translucent veil that teases the tormented mind...... most like the frog in the well - believe this is the world - their world.......... but there are others who attempt to see through the veil......... the malicious veil slowly as if caused by a harmless breeze floats itself up...... just enough to catch a glimpse...... the human mind is never the same..... and in most cases is never able to prove itself..... it forever searches for that one moment..... forever praying to the malignant veil to be merciful......... this search costs them everything.... their life as they know it...... loved ones...... dreams.... success.... and in some cases - sanity......

But are they the ones really insane or is it the others who clutch their "sanity" tainted with material, domestic and social elements and remain painfully oblivious................

The Point

At one point in their lives every individual just pauses......... from their ever-changing, constantly updating (technology, relationships, thought process etc) semi-mechanical lives...... just a fleeting moment that quite literally presses the pause button in the film that is your life....... its over here you realize so many things at this one minuscule point that comes rushing at the speed enough to give you the biggest head rush of your life! For some this is a point to realise the direction of your life - whether you’re going the right way or not? Some think whether it’s time to kick off their singleton boots and settle into the blissful "chappals of matrimony"...... for others it is a point of questioning the true meaning of life......... But for me its thinking about how time flies?.... many join me in this as it’s a very popular pause moment bound to be gone through by almost every human being......... 2nd year college almost coming to an end...... it makes you think...... i can’t help but look back and feel that school days don't seem that long ago…… in a year I’d be leaving to pursue a different path…….so far it doesn't seem like I’d want to give this one up by then……… My...How time flies…….at 19 I can’t believe my teenage days have reached its fag end……….now come the 20’s which is also fun but coupled with more responsibilities….. and worse its closer to your 30’s!.............ya im over-reacting but tell me if you wouldn't at this point……….

Opportunity

When an opportunity beckons you - "grab it by the collar", "strike it when its hot" etc etc.....

You know when there is this remote passing chance of something that you 'may or may not' be interested comes along....... Its right there.... dangling in front of you..... your thinking "should I do it or not?" .....DO or DON'T...DO or DON'T...... you decide (because it is after all YOUR life) that your going to pass...... the moment the opportunity slightly whizzes past you........ Hordes and Hordes of concerned/encouraging/loving people jump right onto your scrawny throat to say you may as well have made the "Biggest Blunder" in your life!......... Such selfless love and devotion...... and its not that they didn't want to give us "the single most vital career/love/etc advice of your life" when the opportunity was actually in front of you....... well..... don't judge them!!.... they just wanted to give you 'space' (sometimes literally!)....... you know so that you can make your own decision (which you may have gone over with them thrice- but still you know its YOUR DECISION)...... But once your done with it a.k.a screwed it up.... then its time for everyone to follow a universal cue of nature into an oh-so 'constructive' (reminiscent of a bloodthirsty hunter saying he is poaching endangered species for the potential cure of AIDS which in all probability he doesn't know is an abbreviation!)..........

Hmm.... Did I come off a little strong?/

The French call it....Romance

Oscar Wilde said that "Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.".....

This is not to 'declare' the fact that the man was a true 'genius' in every sense of the word or talk of his capacity to conjure sheer magic with words.......... How often has one felt that they have come across something so marvelous that you cannot express it in words...... There are people who stream into tears the moment they hear something remotely romantic (as you may have guessed- I am not a hopeless romantic in the sense it is popularly noted)...... The true essence of romance I believe is lost in time....... It exists like a rare antique that is protected in its paucity, to be savoured by only its true connoisseurs........ But one wonders wether everyone does go through this fleeting yet ubiquitous feeling.......... If you ask my opinion.... its almost impossible not to go through it at one point or another as romance exists everywhere.... from a scintillating wine glass to the sprawling sea...... Its impossible not to feel it once just as it is not possible to live and not breathe........

"....Give me a Sign....."

One wonders wether there are after all any signals or signs that nature or the environment gives us.............. something to tell us to be on your guard...... something to tell us not to do everything exactly the way we usually do - just for the day!..........I don't know, personally I'd say when I look outside I just look to appreciate nature and its finer details, I've never actually went looking for a sign...... but then again looking for signs is like an out-of-this-world security blanket that prolongs the process of coming to terms with something...... but often I find people who embody the "disbelievers code" secretly do exactly what they publicy voice against..... be it some religious ritual, an anonymous visit to a psychic (closer to home - pandit), or some sign watching..... I guess there is something in our heart for the unexplainable.... the mystery or the sheer lust I cannot say for sure..... these elements make for - I'd like to put it as - Natures Eternal Victory over Mankind..............

The Most Underrated and Universal Coinage - BLAH

Sometimes I feel the word "Blah" is the most underrated. Think about it Blah is not even a real word (Oxford isn't really interested). It sounds so incomplete and abrupt........ sometimes people look for really fancy words to keep the other thinking or give an impression - Blah doesn't help you do that either....... But if you really look at it Blah is one of the most understanding and universal coinage ever...........

Blah in itself encompasses such a wide spectrum its impossible to think of all the connotations. Blah is subject to personal or group interpretations. It becomes a code with a meaning only select few know and gives you a couple of sniggers. Blah is the state of mind that describes a situation/emotion more than any word in any language....... talking about language - Blah is universal - I think if I go to an unexplored corner of Spain or trekking in some Eastern Mountain foothills.... and I feel this surge of emotion all through me - I feel all these things that make me helpless and distraught ...... this passing stranger notices and looks inquiringly- and i just turn and say "Blah" with a sigh........... they look understanding and give you a sympathetic side smile and walk away................ for all you know that side-smile was all that you needed and instead of dawding out your version of their language a simple BLAH was your savior!

So the next time someone looks at you with contempt when they hear you say "Blah"...... just shrug it off, their just don't comprehend the word that goes beyond boundaries - and their probably feeling Blah themselves!!:D