Hope & Rage

You know how they (and Paulo Coelho) say that, when you really really want something the entire universe conspires to make it happen...... well somebody forgot to mention the Universe - has its off days too!..... or maybe its just playing with you and testing you to the boiling point!....... These are the moments when you feel that you are probably committing the most heinous crime - worse than Judas - by introducing an innocent to Hope.....

                                                             When Pandora opened the box a second time, Hope was the white dove that would counter the chaos that she let out initially...... But maybe Hercules was being sarcastic.... Some try to keep away the devious complications that come with Hope but it seems that humanity is damned forever (Way to go Pandora!)....... When you're trying to grab onto something real - Hope is this malicious fog that deceives our already sordid vision..... and you can't blame someone who goes into a state of blinding sub-psychotic rage over this stressful situation..... but "hope"fully that's where it ends.....

Scales of ___________?

We are all human..... No matter how much we decide that we will not succumb to the momentary petty happiness that we conjure in our heads..... No matter how much we decide never to expect and thus never be disappointed..... No matter how much we decide that hope is sometimes the most cruel of feelings and better avoided - we still succumb to each of these.......

More than anything - these are the most painful and torturous things that can happen..... Having learnt these lessons pretty early in life..... I fail to see why I cannot make a practice of this..... Is the emotional need of a human being so fundamental as to trump the most ardent desire of the logical and practical side? But as Mouse said "To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"...

But unlike Mouse I'm still not aware of any matrix - At this point I couldn't care less about it (which if the matrix exists, is a job well done!).......... Also another classic argument - you cannot have only happiness or only sorrow - its a mixture of both - it should be balance........ Agreed - But when did the balance scales of sorrow tip down to an extra 45%? Not exactly my definition of Balance....

Inspite of all this - even if we trump all the arguments that embody the emotional side....... we still succumb to it?....... Why?.............. When I don't want to, Why?...... When 'almost' every nerve in my brain reasons that I don't want it........ Why do I still feel it..... Why must I go through this exhausting process.......... Why can't I stay happy not knowing how it felt at all to be disappointed and having something so close - just for a brief moment.... realising what it is to have it, to feel it and have it snatched away from me........ Only to live, until time does its trick, in memory of that something I never had........ In memory of an emotion that never existed..... Why play this cruel trick on someone that has definitely not done something to deserve this...... Why do I become subject to this?...... The freedom of my own thoughts is robbed from me.... The freedom of what to think, what to feel, what not to feel...... I wonder whether unconsciously I draw this upon myself..... My own innate sadistic way of beating myself so low as to never hope and never have these feelings again........ If that were true, it seems that regardless of how low I go, that nagging smidgen of hope still remains...........