Friday, April 30, 2010

Clock

tick tick tick...... the first steps you took...... tick tick tick........ tears streaming as you are going to leave your mother for the first day of school....... tick tick tick........ your blowing your candles for your first "Double Digit" birthday cake!.... tick tick tick....... Your 14 - oh so cool - my parents are THE most embarrassing ever - and did i forget to mention I'm Oh So Cool!...... tick tick tick....... Bloody Boards...... tick tick tick....... sari shopping for farewell.......... tick tick tick..... College searching - application giving - incessant praying..... tick tick tick....... First day of college - butterflies!!....... tick tick tick....... Initiation into - Jock, Nerd, Cool, Hot, Don't Give a Fuck etc....... tick tick tick...... Oooh Politics........ tick tick tick....... Hmmm I guess their not that bad....... tick tick tick...... 1st year down....... tick tick tick..... Ughh Juniors!...... tick tick tick...... Oh Man - Thank Heavens "we" are here to rescue the media industry from losers like them!!:D........ tick tick tick.... Hmmmm even they are not that bad....... tick tick tick....... 2nd year down ...... and I'm going home..... with no emotion, it still hasn't struck me....... I really don't know what now...... It seems surreal when you've broken down your life to the ticks of time........

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Slave of Thine Own.............


I wonder what it means when you want something so much that, a possibility of 'otherwise' doesn't come anywhere in your head......... Logically speaking you think of "what if", "but", Plan B etc..... but why do these certain things command so, that you can't imagine otherwise....... the farther they go, the closer they draw you....... and a small, positive response in enough to make your day.... to put a smile on your face that would put to shame the brightest of flowers......... Why does this happen....... I wonder what its implications are........ whats worse is when you crave for the most unapproachable and unresponsive of them all........... a presence (if it were possible) that is as comforting as it is distant...... a demeanor as attractive as it is guarded........... these qualities and setbacks drum their way into your head........ leaving you both warm and unsatisfied.......... they say that such feelings and desires are insatiable......... but what if they are never acknowledged, their presence never existed in the eyes of what it was meant for............ is it unfair?...... is it up to the person who has these desires to choose?...... or is it just as much a right for the other to know........... a lot of unrequited emotions were just because of fear of some temporary embarrassment....... is it really worth it?....... Is it really worth not giving it a shot..... even if things go crumbling down at least that becomes the final nail in the coffin of the desire instead of you forever hanging about the grave not knowing whether to jump out or in................ its funny to note what we go through......... its interesting to know whether the future holds this, something better, something worse......... for.....
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera.....

Monday, April 5, 2010

Scales of ___________?


We are all human..... No matter how much we decide that we will not succumb to the momentary petty happiness that we conjure in our heads..... No matter how much we decide never to expect and thus never be disappointed..... No matter how much we decide that hope is sometimes the most cruel of feelings and better avoided - we still succumb to each of these.......
More than anything - these are the most painful and torturous things that can happen..... Having learnt these lessons pretty early in life..... I fail to see why I cannot make a practice of this..... Is the emotional need of a human being so fundamental as to trump the most ardent desire of the logical and practical side? But as Mouse said "To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"...
But unlike Mouse I'm still not aware of any matrix - At this point I couldn't care less about it (which if the matrix exists, is a job well done!).......... Also another classic argument - you cannot have only happiness or only sorrow - its a mixture of both - it should be balance........ Agreed - But when did the balance scales of sorrow tip down to an extra 45%? Not exactly my definition of Balance....
Inspite of all this - even if we trump all the arguments that embody the emotional side....... we still succumb to it?....... Why?.............. When I don't want to, Why?...... When 'almost' every nerve in my brain reasons that I don't want it........ Why do I still feel it..... Why must I go through this exhausting process.......... Why can't I stay happy not knowing how it felt at all to be disappointed and having something so close - just for a brief moment.... realising what it is to have it, to feel it and have it snatched away from me........ Only to live, until time does its trick, in memory of that something I never had........ In memory of an emotion that never existed..... Why play this cruel trick on someone that has definitely not done something to deserve this...... Why do I become subject to this?...... The freedom of my own thoughts is robbed from me.... The freedom of what to think, what to feel, what not to feel...... I wonder whether unconsciously I draw this upon myself..... My own innate sadistic way of beating myself so low as to never hope and never have these feelings again........ If that were true, it seems that regardless of how low I go, that nagging smidgen of hope still remains...........